I think I’ve figured out how to revive Saskatchewan’s malls.
For years, it seems, malls in prairie chicken land have suffered decline. Firing a cannon down the main hall of most malls won’t cause any injury on any given weekday afternoon.
Here’s how you change that. You start with pot shops. (And before anyone freaks out, I am not speaking about any specific mall here, as this could apply many malls in Saskatchewan.)
Saskatchewan communities are currently in the throes of sorting how just how many licences should be allowed in their communities, and where they should be allowed. This comes in the wake of the province allotting licences to communities across Saskatchewan.
I just heard the mayor of Moose Jaw on CJME talking about the various conundrums this poses for them.
Here’s my plan, and any desperate economic development officer is free to steal it.
Most malls have numerous vacancies. A pot shop would fill one. If there’s extra space, use it for a grow-op.
Most malls also have a grocery store. That’s a perfect synergy as you can swing by and grab your munchies at the same time. Grab some eggs and milk while you’re at it.
Let’s face it, in many cases when Mary-do-you-wanna is being consumed, so is alcohol. Therefore, private liquor stores should be located next door in the same mall. Pick up a two-four with your BC Bud.
The next business should be a brothel. They’re kinda sorta legal now, aren’t they? It’s very confusing. Maybe they can have a chain of Christmas-themed brothels known as “Ho Ho Ho.”
This being the enlightened 21st century, the brothel should be required by law to cater to all genders. Not just one, or two.
We can’t forget the casino, since a bar with VLTs simply isn’t good enough. And if that casino was to become an urban reserve, it should be able to allow indoor smoking, unlike any other place in the province.
If you’re going to have indoor smoking, other than the aforementioned pot, you might as well have a humidor and smoke shop. Some might even consider a vape shop, because, hey, why not? Some people are trying to quit tobacco. Nasty stuff.
Working your way to the food court (again, think Mary Jane-inspired munchies), you would come across the local meth lab. There might be an opportunity for a dental office next to the meth lab, because meth is murder on teeth.
A pawn shop could be located there, too, so that the meth heads can pawn their stolen goods to pay for their fix, and teeth, too.
With free porn widely available on the Internet, an XXX video store probably won’t last long, so skip that one. But a peeler bar, serving alcohol, is sure to bring in business.
Since “retro” is often considered cool, at least one storefront should be reserved as a crack house. They’re soooo 1990s, aren’t they? Early 2000s? I wouldn’t know. I don’t know much.
We have to ensure this hypothetical mall includes a safe injection site, and a walk-in clinic, too.
Think of all the jobs we just created. These are legitimate, taxpaying jobs.
With all these ventures under one, climate-controlled roof, there would be so much traffic, you won’t be able to fire that cannon anymore. The place will be packed with customers wall-to-wall. It’ll be like Black Friday and Boxing Day rolled into one, every day.
And we’re going to tax the snot out of them. We could pay off the provincial debt in three years.
My modest proposal is just that, along the satirical lines of Jonathan Swift suggesting the English should eat Irish children. I point this out because some people are too thick to figure that out.
As for being thick, the argument for legalization of all these vices has often been, “They exist in our community anyhow, so we might as well legalize it, regulate it and tax it.”
That’s precisely what has happened with most of these vices already, including alcohol, casinos, porn and now, marijuana.
Whether you would want to take your kid to such a mall to ride the toy train is another story.
But that’s the society we live in. If you don’t want your clothing store to be beside the pot shop, liquor store, brothel, casino, humidor, peeler bar, meth lab, crack house, safe injection site and walk-in clinic, what sort of person are you, anyhow?
Probably one who voted for Stephen Harper.
