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The Halloween tax lesson

By Brian Zinchuk

            Katrina and her friend just walked in the door from trick or treating, gleefully spilling their very full pillowcases on the floor to peruse their hard-won spoils.

            For a little fun, I figured this would be a good time for a lesson on life.

            All kids know about the “parent tax” when it comes to trick or treat loot. So I reached over into her pile and grabbed a handful of candy.

            “This is personal income tax,” I said.

            Reaching in for another handful, I commented, “This is GST.”

            Groping one more time, as her eyes started looking alarmed, I said, “And this is PST.”

            One more handful. “This is property tax.”

            I notice glowering from the girl.

            Then I grabbed my hardhat and scooped up even more. “And this is Trudeau’s carbon tax!”

            Being a nice dad, she got a generous rebate.

            I realized later that I should have taken three Snickers bars for small business tax, since she does invoice me when she helps with my photography, thus is a business person.

            Therefore I should take two pop cans for capital gains, because, really, no one deserves that many full 351 mL pop cans. The third pop can – well that’s high income surtax, because so many pop cans surely make her a one-percenter.

            She can’t share with her brother, because that would be income sprinkling.

            Half of the Doritos are taxable as capital gains, obviously, since she exceeded her lifetime exemption last year, and she neglected to store any bags of tacos under her bed as part of her tax-free savings account.

            Now, if she was smart, she would put away 18 per cent of her candies, i.e. all the potato chips, for when she turns 65. That, of course, would be exempt. But I will have to tax the then-52-year-old potato chips, assuming I’m still alive at the age of 95. Hopefully her potato chip nest egg grows at an interest rate higher than the rate of inflation.

            A small KitKat? That’s federal excise tax on gasoline for rides to air cadets. The small Coffee Crisp? Provincial excise tax on gasoline, naturally.

            The Jujubes package is municipal surcharge tax on the power bill for her bedroom.

A while ago she had asked if she could move to a downstairs bedroom. If I let her, she’d have to pay a land transfer tax of 0.30 per cent of the value of the property's value. That’s a large Mars Bar, thank you.

            And since, for her, this is really temporary accommodations until she’s 18, there should be a hotel tax (one Swedish Berries) and entertainment tax for use of the TV and Netflix (one small Smarties box).

            I told her 25 per cent of her haul was going to kids who didn’t feel like going trick or treating.

            Her response was, “It’s not my fault they’re too fat and lazy to go walk outside.”

            She’s probably lucky she doesn’t live in Norway, where she might have been lucky to walk away with three Tootsie Rolls.

            Katrina continues to ask me about career choices.

            The other day she asked me if an accountant spends his or her day counting money. I replied that no, actually, most of an accountant’s job is figuring out ways for clients to pay less tax. That might have more meaning for her now.

            Maybe she can hire her friend to be her accountant. The professional fees will be two Twizzlers and an Aero Bar.       

            That accountant friend will point out she should be looking for every single exemption she can find.

            For instance, she can claim half of her meal of a Mr. Big Bar as a deduction, as long as she is doing legitimate business.

            Under either the simplified or detailed method, she could claim one meal after every four hours from the departure time, to a maximum of three meals per day.

            And since her temporary accommodations (bedroom) could count as a home-based business, she should be able to write off the power for her room, heating and insurance – but only for that percentage of square footage used for actual business.

            If she leased her bicycle, there could be a savings there too, if she didn’t want to do cost capital allowance depreciation. Doing these deductions could reduce her tax bill a bit.

            I’m guessing that for all her effort, she might save herself five suckers.

            She will, of course, be allowed to keep her Sour Patch Kids, for the sour taste left in her mouth in the end.